The F-Word: Part 2

A few years ago, I was sitting and listening to someone talk. I can't remember the point of what he said or how he led up to it, but what he did say stuck in my mind and I've never forgotten it since. He told how a heavily pregnant woman we all knew had been in the supermarket the other day, and had collapsed on the floor. But no one came to see if she was all right. No one came to help her up, or to see if she needed medical attention. Everyone, men and women left her there. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't help wondering why they had left her there, and I still wonder now. Could it have been because the culture in which we live is now so far removed from the way it was designed to be? Because there is now such a strong determination to flatten the differences in our society that no one feels confident to extend even the most basic of human kindnesses to someone in need, lest they be accused of misogynistic behaviour? Could it also be because some men are perhaps quite happy to avoid responsibility, and because our society no longer seeks to protect the weak?
      The issue of how feminism has blurred the differences between the sexes, and how that has impacted men is one which remains relevant in our society. To say feminism doesn't have any effect on men is to misunderstand how our society is constructed. Whether we like it or not, our actions affect other people. The very nature of feminism is a reaction: against the treatment of women by men (usually), and a reaction as a result of the comparison between the treatment of the sexes. But perhaps it's time women stopped being selfish and take a look at what feminism has done to men.
     A while ago I was reading an article on The Telegraph website about the death of chivalry. You can read it here: 1 While I didn't necessarily agree with everything in the article, it did make me think. It was quite an eye-opener to see a complaint about how feminism has affected men, and one not from those often considered to be wackos and religious freaks. There are elements in our society that can see something is seriously wrong when a man feels he cannot offer his seat on the train to a woman. I actually quite like being treated like a lady. I like it when men stand back when the bus arrives to let me on first: not because I need it, but because it's good manners. I like it when a man offers to carry something heavy for me: not because I'm incapable, but because it's nice not to have to lug heavy things around. (OK, maybe I am incapable sometimes. The other day I put a large rucksack on, rested it on the table, and found it pulled me over onto my back. I was likened to a beetle, legs waving helplessly in the air.) Generally speaking, I am more than able to manage whatever task I am attempting, able to hold my own in conversation, and more than able when it comes to arguing my point. I don't think women are poor, helpless creatures who need big, strong men to come and make it all better. They don't. Women are strong too, but in different ways. Within the family also, men are supposed to take responsibility for teaching and providing. Not that they do it by themselves, as their wives help to carry the burden, but their different roles result in a different weighting of the responsibility.
   And I think it's the word "different" that is key here. Hardly anyone seems to want to admit that men and women are different, and anyone who does is accused of perpetuating a misogynistic, patriarchal society. "Different" is bad, there must be no boundaries between the sexes. There is no beauty in the inherent differences between a man and a woman. All must be the same. So this results in men being sidelined. It can be quite easy to sideline them too, for which they are to blame.
    This flattening of the differences has two results: the emasculation of men in our society, and extra pressure on already overstretched women. When men are reluctant to take a stand on an issue, it can result in women having to take their place (as with Deborah in Judges, a necessity). While this can be used by God, it isn't generally the way he intended the world to operate. Far more often women are too ready to grab the reins and take control. I have to be honest here. I find it really, really hard when someone is doing something and I know there's a better way of doing it. (Or I think I know there's a better way of doing it, which may be a more accurate statement.) It takes all my self-control not to sigh impatiently and take over. Yes, I may know better. Yes, it may be a stupid way that won't work. But surely it's better to leave someone to work it out (provided it isn't an imminent danger to life or limb), especially if that someone is a guy? Nobody likes being bossed around. I hate it. And men really, really hate it. Eventually, after being told time and time again that your role is irrelevant and that someone else is better at it, it is fairly inevitable that men, as a group, will begin to slip slowly away into the background. They become, in effect, emasculated, robbed of their role within society. They won't offer their chair, or hold the door. Some will treat women with even less respect, as "equal" means "the same" and if you treat your mates without respect, well, why not treat a woman the same way? Men no longer take a stand over anything important, leaving it to the women instead. Some rather enjoy that aspect of "equality". It's nice to watch other people fight your battles and experience no responsibility, no fallout from your actions. Men are no longer men, but boys, with an army of women to run around after them.  So-called "equality" backfires spectacularly, and in fact achieves the opposite of its intended purpose.
    The problem is as our culture has drifted further away from its Christian heritage, we have lost so many good things in our society. We have lost sight of what God intended when he created man and woman, and the benefits that entailed. How do we get it back? I honestly don't know. It would be so easy to say, "Go and be a better person and show some good manners", but I don't think this is the solution. It's like trying to hang the fruit on the tree, then wondering why it goes bad and drops on the floor with a dismal "plop". A culture which values and actually glories in the differences between men and women can only come as the result of God working in people to change them. Simply trying harder cannot bring about lasting change. Only the work of God's Spirit, challenging attitudes and behaviour, and convicting men and women of their need for repentance can effect a needed, lasting change in our culture.

The F-Word

I'm so fed up of hearing the F-word all the time. I don't mean the one you think I mean. I mean the other one. Feminism. Shudder. I find myself becoming increasingly irritated by the overuse of it, and the confused definitions floating around. What is it? I don't know. No one seems to know. We have the rabid type who seem to think it's their right as women to do anything they want and the stupid men can get out of the way because everything's all their fault for holding women back for so long anyway. We have the sort who tolerate men, maybe even like men (steady on), but believe that equality means men and women are basically the same. Then there are the really confused sort. Like Miley Cyrus who claims to be a feminist, but can't really grasp the concept that feminism and appearing naked in music videos don't really go together. Which in turn leads to the ones who argue that what she's doing is actually liberating, and she's free to do that if she wants, and no one can stop her anyway, and she's happy in herself, so why should we care? That's just a few categories. And this jumbled mess still gains followers. Whether you're campaigning for a greater awareness of the victims of rape in war zones or twerking at the VMAs, you can apparently claim to be a feminist. The idea seems to morph and change shape according to the wishes of the person using the term. We are all meant to be feminists, and if anyone questions the thinking behind it, they get squashed. Hard.
         Before I go any further, I want to make something clear. I am in no way in favour of misogynistic, woman-hating behaviour and thinking any more than I'm in favour of dismissing men as idiots whose only use is the continuation of the human race. I believe men and women are equal. But they are different. Physically, emotionally different, which will naturally lead to different roles. There is a real need to combat misogynistic attitudes in society, whether they're displayed by a government which does not allow women to show their faces or by a father who marries off his teenage daughter to someone twice her age whom she's never met... or by a rapper whose idea of a good time seems to consist of girls. Lots of girls. This is clearly not how the world is supposed to work. God created man and woman to complement each other, not for one to crush the other into a life devoid of purpose, other than the satisfaction of men. I believe a proper understanding of the roles of men and women within society as laid out in the Bible is key to ending the continuing discrimination that we see today. Titus 2 has quite a bit to say on this, as does Proverbs 31. When we try to do it our way, it kind of messes stuff up. A lot. This leads to confused ideas about identity, love, trust, submission, and godliness. 
       The whole issue seems to be centred around freedom and equality. Yet no one can define what that is, and it appears to be entirely subjective. One idea of freedom contradicts another.  Freedom is having a family and a career simultaneously? Freedom is being allowed join traditionally male clubs? Freedom is being allowed to sell sex? Freedom is... an equal number of women on boards? Oh, hooray. Forgive me for not leaping for joy. Some girls are forced into marriage age 10. Some women can't vote. Some women are forbidden from driving. I struggle to get annoyed because there are 5 men and "only" 3 women sitting round a table discussing company policy. Some people complain about the objectification of women in pop culture, yet some women in the media are actively encouraging the objectification. (The men are doing this, which is bad enough, but the women joining in? Really? I don't feel like it's a great thing when a concert to raise awareness of the plight of many women worldwide involves women who are wearing, well, not an awful lot.) However, the overall theme seems to be a desire for women to be able to do what they want.
          So many women buy into the flawed thinking that we can be the same as men. Or that we have to be viewed as being the same in order to gain equality. It's far easier to try to level the playing field than submit to what the Bible defines as femininity. Feminism is a way of having it all: the perfect job, family, sex with whomever we want, the right to an abortion if we want it... I could go on.  It's far easier than realising that we're not actually entitled to anything we want. We're not even free to do everything feminists say we can do. Actually, we're told we have to do what they say we should. We have to adhere to their view of women, otherwise we're traitors, freaks, and helping to perpetuate a patriarchal society. We're trapped by promises of freedom, without the security it should bring. We are told we can take control of our destiny (heave), and reinvent our lives, and if you just lose half a stone, the world will fall at your feet. (Wrong. It won't. You'll just be thinner. That's all. And able to fit in kids' clothes.) In order to be truly free, it takes something that almost feels like reverse logic. We have to take up our cross daily, and that will hurt because crosses are heavy. We never get away from that cross. Yet if Jesus loved us enough to die on one, surely we can trust him for guidance on how to follow our God-given roles as women. This is freedom. God has given us a plan, and we can be free from worry and guilt, and a need to prove ourselves to the world.
         I want to reclaim the f-word. I don't want it to be "feminism" any more. I want it to be "femininity". I believe God has something better in store for me than me being seen as the same as a man. I'm different. And I'm glad God made me different. Because if everything's the same, it's boring. And boring is not Biblical. At all.

***************************************************************************************

While writing this, I came to two realisations: firstly, that the whole post is extremely garbled and makes the literature nerd within me cringe. Secondly, I think I might need to follow this up. I was thinking of doing one on the way feminism has affected masculinity. Any feedback/ideas/criticism is more than welcome.

The Importance Of Having A Sense Of Humour

My brain function settled at about 30% over the Christmas period (hope you had a good 'un, by the way), as some of my friends may have gathered by the slightly crazed/delirious/wacky conversations mixed in with the normal-ish ones I usually conduct. Well, sort of usually. So apologies to those I've sent mad. Or madder. Sure no one'll notice the difference, though.
     I know it's the New Year, and I really hate new years. I've just about got used to the change of digits, and a new lot to get used to is really too much to expect at the tail end of the Christmas season. I dislike change. And new terms. Shudder. It's impossible not to think of it as "The One Before The One When Everything Goes Mad". So as I sit here typing with loud music blasting into my eardrums, feeling vaguely queasy at the thought of the amount I have to cover, the essays I have to write, and a social life to fit in somewhere, I thought I should write about humour. Amusement. Wit in general. Or make a wild stab at it anyway. I don't doubt there are many others out there who can do a better job of it than I can.
      Because, if we're honest, there are times when hilarity seems so far off. And I personally find that hard. Without wanting to sound like I'm a walking cliché straight off some trashy dating site, I love to laugh and have regular struggles with giggling at inappropriate moments, like at church or at something that isn't really that funny, but I just can't help it. I like to laugh to the point where I can't breathe and I've collapsed onto the floor. I suppose that happens on a fairly regularly basis, on reflection. I'm blessed with a family who are exceptionally funny. Some parents are not funny. At all. Not that they aren't nice, buy they're just not amusing people. My parents are funny. My sister has a razor sharp wit, and my brother has killer comic timing (and can do an impression of Gollum that sounds more like Gollum than Gollum). Sarcasm is used all the time, and witty banter flies back and forth. That's not even the start of it. They make me laugh every day.
      But sometimes it's as if a massive bank of cloud has gathered and is threatening to dump its entire contents on one's head. Sometimes it's for no particular reason, other than the fact it's winter and dark and cold and horrible. Sometimes there is a reason. We might have been disappointed or be in pain. That's when it's hard to laugh. I have heard of other reasons for not laughing, however. Some people (I'm lowering my voice here for dramatic effect) actually seem to have no sense of humour at all. I can't get my head round that at all. It stuns me. How can people not laugh? Or even not want to? How can they be in the middle of a group of people who are all laughing, and instead of laughing with them, stand there with a face that looks as if they swallowed a box of frogs? Something about that jars with us (excluding those who have had the misfortune to ingest aforementioned amphibians). Fundamentally we know we are called to do two things: glorify God, and enjoy Him forever. Surely that enjoyment involved laughter. I'm absolutely convinced God has a sense of humour. I mean, look at Gideon. He was told to approach an enemy army with a frankly tiny force, yell, smash some pots, and wave lights around. I bet that was funny to watch. And peas. Peas are, in my opinion, the most ridiculous vegetable ever. They are almost impossible to eat with any semblance of elegance. Shovel them, and you're quite rightly likely to get looks. Try stabbing them, and you'll normally get three on the prongs of your fork, four tops, if you arrange them before moving in for the kill. My mother informs me one is meant to crush them on the back of the end of the fork (go figure). They are a joke. They sit on your plate looking smug. And I know what you're thinking, and yes, a pea can look smug. I have personally witnessed the smugness of peas. They all do it. God made the pea. I think it was a joke. Being omnipresent, He can see all the people who've ever looked silly eating peas, who are right now eating peas and looking silly, and who ever will eat peas and also look as silly as their pea-eating forebears.
    So please. Laugh. Laugh at peas. Laugh to think we worship a God who made peas, and thank Him for it. Don't be that one person who thinks it's somehow more mature not to laugh. It isn't. I don't believe it's Biblical. It's also actually boring. No one likes to be boring, do they? Find someone amusing. Strike up a conversation with someone you know has a sense of humour. Laugh at their quips and jokes (that means a lot to people). Try some of your own. And just have fun!