The F-Word: Part 2

A few years ago, I was sitting and listening to someone talk. I can't remember the point of what he said or how he led up to it, but what he did say stuck in my mind and I've never forgotten it since. He told how a heavily pregnant woman we all knew had been in the supermarket the other day, and had collapsed on the floor. But no one came to see if she was all right. No one came to help her up, or to see if she needed medical attention. Everyone, men and women left her there. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't help wondering why they had left her there, and I still wonder now. Could it have been because the culture in which we live is now so far removed from the way it was designed to be? Because there is now such a strong determination to flatten the differences in our society that no one feels confident to extend even the most basic of human kindnesses to someone in need, lest they be accused of misogynistic behaviour? Could it also be because some men are perhaps quite happy to avoid responsibility, and because our society no longer seeks to protect the weak?
      The issue of how feminism has blurred the differences between the sexes, and how that has impacted men is one which remains relevant in our society. To say feminism doesn't have any effect on men is to misunderstand how our society is constructed. Whether we like it or not, our actions affect other people. The very nature of feminism is a reaction: against the treatment of women by men (usually), and a reaction as a result of the comparison between the treatment of the sexes. But perhaps it's time women stopped being selfish and take a look at what feminism has done to men.
     A while ago I was reading an article on The Telegraph website about the death of chivalry. You can read it here: 1 While I didn't necessarily agree with everything in the article, it did make me think. It was quite an eye-opener to see a complaint about how feminism has affected men, and one not from those often considered to be wackos and religious freaks. There are elements in our society that can see something is seriously wrong when a man feels he cannot offer his seat on the train to a woman. I actually quite like being treated like a lady. I like it when men stand back when the bus arrives to let me on first: not because I need it, but because it's good manners. I like it when a man offers to carry something heavy for me: not because I'm incapable, but because it's nice not to have to lug heavy things around. (OK, maybe I am incapable sometimes. The other day I put a large rucksack on, rested it on the table, and found it pulled me over onto my back. I was likened to a beetle, legs waving helplessly in the air.) Generally speaking, I am more than able to manage whatever task I am attempting, able to hold my own in conversation, and more than able when it comes to arguing my point. I don't think women are poor, helpless creatures who need big, strong men to come and make it all better. They don't. Women are strong too, but in different ways. Within the family also, men are supposed to take responsibility for teaching and providing. Not that they do it by themselves, as their wives help to carry the burden, but their different roles result in a different weighting of the responsibility.
   And I think it's the word "different" that is key here. Hardly anyone seems to want to admit that men and women are different, and anyone who does is accused of perpetuating a misogynistic, patriarchal society. "Different" is bad, there must be no boundaries between the sexes. There is no beauty in the inherent differences between a man and a woman. All must be the same. So this results in men being sidelined. It can be quite easy to sideline them too, for which they are to blame.
    This flattening of the differences has two results: the emasculation of men in our society, and extra pressure on already overstretched women. When men are reluctant to take a stand on an issue, it can result in women having to take their place (as with Deborah in Judges, a necessity). While this can be used by God, it isn't generally the way he intended the world to operate. Far more often women are too ready to grab the reins and take control. I have to be honest here. I find it really, really hard when someone is doing something and I know there's a better way of doing it. (Or I think I know there's a better way of doing it, which may be a more accurate statement.) It takes all my self-control not to sigh impatiently and take over. Yes, I may know better. Yes, it may be a stupid way that won't work. But surely it's better to leave someone to work it out (provided it isn't an imminent danger to life or limb), especially if that someone is a guy? Nobody likes being bossed around. I hate it. And men really, really hate it. Eventually, after being told time and time again that your role is irrelevant and that someone else is better at it, it is fairly inevitable that men, as a group, will begin to slip slowly away into the background. They become, in effect, emasculated, robbed of their role within society. They won't offer their chair, or hold the door. Some will treat women with even less respect, as "equal" means "the same" and if you treat your mates without respect, well, why not treat a woman the same way? Men no longer take a stand over anything important, leaving it to the women instead. Some rather enjoy that aspect of "equality". It's nice to watch other people fight your battles and experience no responsibility, no fallout from your actions. Men are no longer men, but boys, with an army of women to run around after them.  So-called "equality" backfires spectacularly, and in fact achieves the opposite of its intended purpose.
    The problem is as our culture has drifted further away from its Christian heritage, we have lost so many good things in our society. We have lost sight of what God intended when he created man and woman, and the benefits that entailed. How do we get it back? I honestly don't know. It would be so easy to say, "Go and be a better person and show some good manners", but I don't think this is the solution. It's like trying to hang the fruit on the tree, then wondering why it goes bad and drops on the floor with a dismal "plop". A culture which values and actually glories in the differences between men and women can only come as the result of God working in people to change them. Simply trying harder cannot bring about lasting change. Only the work of God's Spirit, challenging attitudes and behaviour, and convicting men and women of their need for repentance can effect a needed, lasting change in our culture.

The F-Word

I'm so fed up of hearing the F-word all the time. I don't mean the one you think I mean. I mean the other one. Feminism. Shudder. I find myself becoming increasingly irritated by the overuse of it, and the confused definitions floating around. What is it? I don't know. No one seems to know. We have the rabid type who seem to think it's their right as women to do anything they want and the stupid men can get out of the way because everything's all their fault for holding women back for so long anyway. We have the sort who tolerate men, maybe even like men (steady on), but believe that equality means men and women are basically the same. Then there are the really confused sort. Like Miley Cyrus who claims to be a feminist, but can't really grasp the concept that feminism and appearing naked in music videos don't really go together. Which in turn leads to the ones who argue that what she's doing is actually liberating, and she's free to do that if she wants, and no one can stop her anyway, and she's happy in herself, so why should we care? That's just a few categories. And this jumbled mess still gains followers. Whether you're campaigning for a greater awareness of the victims of rape in war zones or twerking at the VMAs, you can apparently claim to be a feminist. The idea seems to morph and change shape according to the wishes of the person using the term. We are all meant to be feminists, and if anyone questions the thinking behind it, they get squashed. Hard.
         Before I go any further, I want to make something clear. I am in no way in favour of misogynistic, woman-hating behaviour and thinking any more than I'm in favour of dismissing men as idiots whose only use is the continuation of the human race. I believe men and women are equal. But they are different. Physically, emotionally different, which will naturally lead to different roles. There is a real need to combat misogynistic attitudes in society, whether they're displayed by a government which does not allow women to show their faces or by a father who marries off his teenage daughter to someone twice her age whom she's never met... or by a rapper whose idea of a good time seems to consist of girls. Lots of girls. This is clearly not how the world is supposed to work. God created man and woman to complement each other, not for one to crush the other into a life devoid of purpose, other than the satisfaction of men. I believe a proper understanding of the roles of men and women within society as laid out in the Bible is key to ending the continuing discrimination that we see today. Titus 2 has quite a bit to say on this, as does Proverbs 31. When we try to do it our way, it kind of messes stuff up. A lot. This leads to confused ideas about identity, love, trust, submission, and godliness. 
       The whole issue seems to be centred around freedom and equality. Yet no one can define what that is, and it appears to be entirely subjective. One idea of freedom contradicts another.  Freedom is having a family and a career simultaneously? Freedom is being allowed join traditionally male clubs? Freedom is being allowed to sell sex? Freedom is... an equal number of women on boards? Oh, hooray. Forgive me for not leaping for joy. Some girls are forced into marriage age 10. Some women can't vote. Some women are forbidden from driving. I struggle to get annoyed because there are 5 men and "only" 3 women sitting round a table discussing company policy. Some people complain about the objectification of women in pop culture, yet some women in the media are actively encouraging the objectification. (The men are doing this, which is bad enough, but the women joining in? Really? I don't feel like it's a great thing when a concert to raise awareness of the plight of many women worldwide involves women who are wearing, well, not an awful lot.) However, the overall theme seems to be a desire for women to be able to do what they want.
          So many women buy into the flawed thinking that we can be the same as men. Or that we have to be viewed as being the same in order to gain equality. It's far easier to try to level the playing field than submit to what the Bible defines as femininity. Feminism is a way of having it all: the perfect job, family, sex with whomever we want, the right to an abortion if we want it... I could go on.  It's far easier than realising that we're not actually entitled to anything we want. We're not even free to do everything feminists say we can do. Actually, we're told we have to do what they say we should. We have to adhere to their view of women, otherwise we're traitors, freaks, and helping to perpetuate a patriarchal society. We're trapped by promises of freedom, without the security it should bring. We are told we can take control of our destiny (heave), and reinvent our lives, and if you just lose half a stone, the world will fall at your feet. (Wrong. It won't. You'll just be thinner. That's all. And able to fit in kids' clothes.) In order to be truly free, it takes something that almost feels like reverse logic. We have to take up our cross daily, and that will hurt because crosses are heavy. We never get away from that cross. Yet if Jesus loved us enough to die on one, surely we can trust him for guidance on how to follow our God-given roles as women. This is freedom. God has given us a plan, and we can be free from worry and guilt, and a need to prove ourselves to the world.
         I want to reclaim the f-word. I don't want it to be "feminism" any more. I want it to be "femininity". I believe God has something better in store for me than me being seen as the same as a man. I'm different. And I'm glad God made me different. Because if everything's the same, it's boring. And boring is not Biblical. At all.

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While writing this, I came to two realisations: firstly, that the whole post is extremely garbled and makes the literature nerd within me cringe. Secondly, I think I might need to follow this up. I was thinking of doing one on the way feminism has affected masculinity. Any feedback/ideas/criticism is more than welcome.

The Importance Of Having A Sense Of Humour

My brain function settled at about 30% over the Christmas period (hope you had a good 'un, by the way), as some of my friends may have gathered by the slightly crazed/delirious/wacky conversations mixed in with the normal-ish ones I usually conduct. Well, sort of usually. So apologies to those I've sent mad. Or madder. Sure no one'll notice the difference, though.
     I know it's the New Year, and I really hate new years. I've just about got used to the change of digits, and a new lot to get used to is really too much to expect at the tail end of the Christmas season. I dislike change. And new terms. Shudder. It's impossible not to think of it as "The One Before The One When Everything Goes Mad". So as I sit here typing with loud music blasting into my eardrums, feeling vaguely queasy at the thought of the amount I have to cover, the essays I have to write, and a social life to fit in somewhere, I thought I should write about humour. Amusement. Wit in general. Or make a wild stab at it anyway. I don't doubt there are many others out there who can do a better job of it than I can.
      Because, if we're honest, there are times when hilarity seems so far off. And I personally find that hard. Without wanting to sound like I'm a walking cliché straight off some trashy dating site, I love to laugh and have regular struggles with giggling at inappropriate moments, like at church or at something that isn't really that funny, but I just can't help it. I like to laugh to the point where I can't breathe and I've collapsed onto the floor. I suppose that happens on a fairly regularly basis, on reflection. I'm blessed with a family who are exceptionally funny. Some parents are not funny. At all. Not that they aren't nice, buy they're just not amusing people. My parents are funny. My sister has a razor sharp wit, and my brother has killer comic timing (and can do an impression of Gollum that sounds more like Gollum than Gollum). Sarcasm is used all the time, and witty banter flies back and forth. That's not even the start of it. They make me laugh every day.
      But sometimes it's as if a massive bank of cloud has gathered and is threatening to dump its entire contents on one's head. Sometimes it's for no particular reason, other than the fact it's winter and dark and cold and horrible. Sometimes there is a reason. We might have been disappointed or be in pain. That's when it's hard to laugh. I have heard of other reasons for not laughing, however. Some people (I'm lowering my voice here for dramatic effect) actually seem to have no sense of humour at all. I can't get my head round that at all. It stuns me. How can people not laugh? Or even not want to? How can they be in the middle of a group of people who are all laughing, and instead of laughing with them, stand there with a face that looks as if they swallowed a box of frogs? Something about that jars with us (excluding those who have had the misfortune to ingest aforementioned amphibians). Fundamentally we know we are called to do two things: glorify God, and enjoy Him forever. Surely that enjoyment involved laughter. I'm absolutely convinced God has a sense of humour. I mean, look at Gideon. He was told to approach an enemy army with a frankly tiny force, yell, smash some pots, and wave lights around. I bet that was funny to watch. And peas. Peas are, in my opinion, the most ridiculous vegetable ever. They are almost impossible to eat with any semblance of elegance. Shovel them, and you're quite rightly likely to get looks. Try stabbing them, and you'll normally get three on the prongs of your fork, four tops, if you arrange them before moving in for the kill. My mother informs me one is meant to crush them on the back of the end of the fork (go figure). They are a joke. They sit on your plate looking smug. And I know what you're thinking, and yes, a pea can look smug. I have personally witnessed the smugness of peas. They all do it. God made the pea. I think it was a joke. Being omnipresent, He can see all the people who've ever looked silly eating peas, who are right now eating peas and looking silly, and who ever will eat peas and also look as silly as their pea-eating forebears.
    So please. Laugh. Laugh at peas. Laugh to think we worship a God who made peas, and thank Him for it. Don't be that one person who thinks it's somehow more mature not to laugh. It isn't. I don't believe it's Biblical. It's also actually boring. No one likes to be boring, do they? Find someone amusing. Strike up a conversation with someone you know has a sense of humour. Laugh at their quips and jokes (that means a lot to people). Try some of your own. And just have fun!

Bah, humbug

It's Christmas time! I do realise I'm stating the obvious, and I do also realise this will irritate some people. But quite frankly, I don't care. I am too full of festive cheer to be bothered with irritated people. And chocolate. But who's to say chocolate isn't festive cheer in another form?
    It's quite amazing how Christmas divides people. There are some people who love Christmas, and will consume mince pies with gusto, even if they're not that keen on them, simply because it's Christmas, and it's what we do (me). They listen to the same Christmas songs every year, engage in the Band Aid vs. Band Aid 20 debate, and feel full of glee as they open their advent calendar each day. Then there are other people. People who dislike Christmas. Shudder. For whatever reason, Christmas offends them on a deeply personal level. And they like to make sure everyone knows it. They can be spotted in various forms: the grouchy lady who practically runs you over with her trolley in Tesco, then acts as if it was all your fault that it's so busy, as though you went shopping specifically to inconvenience her; the miserable person who, when they hear carols being cheerfully sung in the street quickens their pace. Or the one who constantly bangs on about the commercialisation of Christmas.
    Perhaps Christmas is a little commercialised. Just a bit. I don't really need (or want) a Santa hat that flashes "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" in a garish red light. But I think so often for Christians, the temptation is to jump into the other ditch, where Christmas is disdained, and looked down upon as being ever so slightly beneath us. One hears such things as, "Oh, we don't really do Christmas. It's so commercialised now." or "Don't you know that Christmas was originally a pagan festival?". It makes me want to run and buy every tacky, Christmas-themed product available. The whole attitude reeks of gnosticism. We seem to forget that Christmas is essentially a festival of the material. God, the almighty, all-powerful God of heaven, became a baby. A real live sniffling, crying baby with a runny nose, that did everything normal babies did. His mother gave birth to him no one knows where (but we can be sure it was not a nice, relatively clean NHS establishment), and he had to be put in a manger. Which is pretty disgusting, because that's where animals eat, and dribble, and we don't actually know if there was any dribble-free hay to put in the manger. It was smelly, probably cold, and dark. Was there ever a more material, a more real event in the history of the universe? God became man. And whether we like it or not, that changed history forever.
    We forget that this event needs celebrating! As Christians, we should be creating a counter-culture that is attractive and good. What better to celebrate than the incarnation of God on earth? We should be the best at celebrating, throw the most enjoyable parties, know how to love the gifts God has given us, and how to share that love with others. God gave us the most precious gift, and I think that's worth celebrating properly.
    So I'm afraid you will find me enjoying Christmas this year. I will be staying up far too late. I will drink proper mulled wine, not some imitation. I will wear a paper hat that's too big for me and slides down over my face. I will eat chocolate. I will meet up with friends and laugh and have a good time. I will dance to "All I Want For Christmas Is You", and I will (provided the Royal Mail doesn't let me down) send presents to people. Let's reclaim the culture and celebrate Christmas properly! And I refuse to listen to any gnostic arguments to do otherwise.


Mandatory disclaimer: Don't overindulge, or Father Christmas won't bring you any presents.

A few thoughts on chivalry

I was thinking the other day (dangerous, I know), and my mind wandered to the subject of chivalry, and how it's applied and responded to. Now, I'm one of those poor, weak, pathetic females who's quite keen on it as a concept, so all fire-breathing feminists may want to beat it, or else risk getting quite annoyed. So that's my little disclaimer. Read on at your own peril.
    I said above that I'm quite keen on chivalry. On good manners in general, in fact. I get irritated when people don't say "Thank you" to the bus driver. I may need to clarify here. I don't support my local chivalry (Blimey Cow reference for any homeschoolers out there) because I am in some way incapable. I am more than able to open a door for myself or lift a heavy box or stack chairs. When I was younger, I used to refuse offers of help, not out of sheer nastiness or because I considered it an affront, but because I didn't see any reason why I should allow someone to put themselves out for me when I could do it for myself. Then I read some stuff online that made me think, and consider that perhaps I ought to accept help, that it makes guys feel useful if they can do something for you. And let's face it, does anyone actually want to stack chairs? What they're doing is serving us, a good and Biblical thing to do. So keep it up guys. Here comes part two...
    We've established the fact that being chivalrous often takes the form of offering a girl help. This is not, however, the only form which being a gentleman can take. I was in a lecture a couple of days ago, and the young (also very elegant and pretty) lecturer was having a really tough time because loads of the kids were just not engaging with her. I felt so sorry for her. But there was one guy who took it upon himself to make things easier for her. He asked questions, made comments, and was generally pleasant and affable. I was really impressed. I could see how grateful she was, and heard her thank him afterwards. That struck me as another way of being chivalrous. He deliberately went out of his way to make her job easier, without being patronising or obvious. This sort of thing can be really helpful. Socially awkward situations can be highly embarrassing, and it's relieving when a guy sees you're having a rough time of it and comes to your rescue, and either injects some life into a conversation or discreetly helps someone escape.
   However, some of the most meaningful chivalric feats don't have to be performed when a lady is present. (I shouldn't be too long now. Or I might start a 47 part series on chivalry, in true evangelical tradition.) Things that are said about a girl, especially behind her back, can be the most damaging. A girl's self-esteem can be ruined if she hears or learns of certain remarks made about her appearance. Her character can be falsely represented by unkind comments, especially by those who know her and whom she would have considered to be her friends. That is not a manly thing to do. To say something about a person not present is simply wrong. They have no chance to defend themselves, and were that girl there, what would her reaction be? Would she laugh? Or become angry? Or smile, while trying to hide the fact she's deeply hurt, and wants nothing more than to run away and cry? A man, a real man, does not allow anyone to say unkind things, true or otherwise, about a girl. He sticks up for her and tells them all to shut up. He does not join in.
    One more thing. Please do not be offended if a girl refuses help. She may have a very good reason for doing so. She may not, but that's her concern. There comes a point where it becomes ruder to insist. Unless, of course, her health and safety is in question. In which case, do what seems best.
     Having come to the end of this, it looks more like a to-do list than I intended. Please don't be offended! I mean well. Surely the principle at stake here is how we treat others, regardless of sex. We are told we ought to treat others the way we would want to be treated. Go and check out Matthew 7:12. And Philippians 2:3-4 while you're at it. We are called to respect and serve others. This is what Christ did for us when He came to earth ("The Son of Man did not come be served but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.") and when He died for us. We are to follow His example, and therefore shine as a light in a dark world. So go out. Fight dragons. Bash the bad guys. Be a knight in shining armour. Might have to make do without a horse, though. They're quite expensive to keep.

Food

Having had writers' block for a while (that's code for: "I was really tired and couldn't be bothered to sit down and think"), the Muse has finally struck. I was strolling down the stairs yesterday evening, and suddenly thought about food. I wasn't hungry, as I'd just devoured supper. But let me explain.
      In our house over half term there were 12 people for a period of 6 nights. It was great fun. Loved it. And some of the most enjoyable times were spent crowded round the dinner table, eating together. There's something about food that makes for a good atmosphere. Some of the funniest things happened at the table. On the first night someone said something so hilarious that I choked and had to dash into the kitchen to recover, which in turn caused general amusement. I spent a happy morning scoffing dry Cheerios and Crunchy Nut from a bowl, while a 2 year old pilfered most of them. And it made me think.
     Our culture has seriously messed up how we view food. Food is no longer seen as a blessing, something to be enjoyed. Instead, it's something we are made to feel guilty about. That makes me mad. How can we take one of God's greatest gifts and make it into a massive stick to bash ourselves over the head with? Instead of just being grateful for what we've been given, we are manipulated into believing we are doing wrong when we enjoy a good meal, when we have dessert, when we eat chocolate. Especially us girls. It can be silly, I know, but we really do care about how we look. No girl is ever going to be completely happy with her weight, let's face it. We're always going to find something to complain about. I could have a long and most vindictive rant about how much our culture is to blame for our insecurities, but I'll save that for another time. Something to look forward to. But girls, is anyone going to love you less if you weigh more than 9 stone? Or 10? Or 11? (That's 57, 63.5, & 70 kg for metric people.) And if they do, is their company worth pursuing? I say this to myself as much as anyone. Will that cookie really make a lot of difference in the grand scheme of things? We're all going to die one way or another, and we might as well die well fed.
    Now, as an obligatory disclaimer, I'm not advocating being a complete slob and overindulging. That would be wrong. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, etc. When you're full, stop eating. Just stop. But don't ever say no to pudding on the grounds that it's not "healthy". Arsenic is unhealthy. Chocolate isn't. Do some exercise. But don't obsess about it. Can you see your toes? Tie your shoelaces? Run upstairs without suffering a cardiac arrest and needing the iron lung? Then chances are you're in decent enough shape. Don't let man call "unclean" what God has declared "clean" (Acts 10:15).
     I think Tolkien was on to something when he said, "If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." I also think having a right view of God has a lot to do with it. If we remember who we are as children of God, and remember what Christ has done for us, we might stop being so self-obsessed. That would make for a merrier world.


“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”   - Mark Twain

Fear

I've never really shown my writing to anyone before. If I'm honest, it's because I'm a bit nervous. Nervous of what people will think, of what they will think of what I write, whether or not they'll like it... or even like me.

    

That's not all. For possibly the first time in my life I'm scared. Yes, me. Genuinely, honest-to-goodness, quaking-in-my-boots scared. I'm usually boundlessly confident. On the outside at least. But I find myself staring down the barrel at a decision. I have to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. It scares me. I'm 17! I'm not ready to decide! I could go to university, and I could apply to pretty much anywhere I'm interested in, but do I really want to carry a £45, 000 debt with me into the future (and possibly into marriage)? And yet, I love to study. In a way, it's all I know. It's something I know I'm good at. Whereas if I go out and get a job, I might not be successful at my chosen field. Or I might absolutely hate it. On the other hand, I might love it, and if I never marry, having a career to pursue would be a great. But I just don't know.

     

But I am learning. I feel God has had to teach me to trust him the hard way. It's only fairly recently that I have learnt to trust God more completely for every area of my life. And he had to pull the rug out from under my feet for me to wake up to the fact that I am NOT Wonder Woman, that I don't actually have to do it all myself, and that if I insist on doing so, even if  I "succeed", it's going to be far more painful than if I just backed down and left it in God's hands. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop fighting, pray more, and leave it to God... Yeah, and some people might be on the receiving end of a fairly distraught phone call or two when it all gets too much, but hey, that's normal. Isn't it...?